One Needs Reassurance, the Other Needs a New Router
Let me paint you a picture. It’s a Monday morning, 9:00am, I am sitting with my laptop with my cup of tea and when I am just about to hit the send button, boom! The WiFi drops!
My reaction? Extreme panic, feeling of abandonment (from the wifi), and bargaining and fixing it as if, if not sent now, it’s never!
And that’s when it struck me! My WiFi connection has the same commitment issues as my anxious attachment style(often).
As a psychologist, I spend a lot of time helping people understand attachment theory. How our early experiences shape the way we connect with others. But sometimes the best way to understand your own emotional wiring is through the heartbreak of modern life, the unstable internet.
People with an anxious attachment style are like me. When the signal flickers, they refresh the page, restart the router, pace the room, and start spiralling. They crave connection, feel unsettled when it’s missing, and will do whatever it takes to get it back. Emotionally hitting refresh over and over, hoping for a sign that everything is okay and do not settle till you receive one!
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to react in the opposite way. The WiFi goes down and they are like, Whatever! Who needed it anyways! They shut the laptop and act like silence is soothing. They want connection but only on their own terms, when it feels safe and not too overwhelming.
In some cases people often want connection but do not fully trust it. Imagine trying to connect to WiFi, then immediately unplugging the router out of fear that what if it will disappoint you. I need this connection but also, what if it hurts me? It can be confusing, chaotic, and this is often rooted in early relational experiences.
People with a secure attachment style tend to trust that connection will be there. They don’t panic when there is a glitch. They just reset the router and try whatever they can to fix and move on with their day. People with this attachment style believe they are worthy of love and expect others to show up for them.
I have spent a lot of time growing into this style, and while I don’t live there all the time, it is where I try to come back to.
Secure connection, like strong WiFi, isn’t perfect but it is steady enough.
Attachment styles are blueprints, and not blue walls. You can learn to build more stable, reliable connections with others and with yourself. You can shift. You can grow. You can rewire the system.
So if your emotional signal drops now and then, take a breath. Notice your first reaction. And remember connection gets glitchy sometimes. That doesn’t mean it’s broken. It just means it is human.
